Survival Guide to Mystic Falls and the World of TVD

I came across this a while back and it was so perfect that I had to share it with all of you!

So You’re A Vampire: A Beginner’s Survival Guide for Caroline Forbes

Dear Miss Forbes,

As a season-long member of The Caroline Forbes Fan Club and an advocate for the Preservation of Girlfriends Gone Vamp, I feel it is my duty to write to you to offer you my assistance through this difficult transition.

First and foremost, you should know that Mystic Falls has an extremely low newbie vamp survival rate. And by low, I mean none of them have made it past a few episodes, give or take, before being staked or burned to their untimely undead death. It has become a disturbing trend in your location and this would be the one time you definitely do not want to follow the latest trend.

Instead, might I suggest you set a new one?

Thought that might get your attention.

Without further ado then, here are 8 survival solutions to get you started:

Sunlight is NOT your friend. Seriously. No joke. If you step out into the sunlight you will burn to ash with much screaming, pain and messiness. So for the time being, please PLEASE stay indoors during the daylight hours. Oh! And watch out for rogue sunbeams though the window. Smarts something awful! There may in fact be a way of solving this issue, but more on that later.

Take up an evening and pre-dawn ritual of long walks in the woods to commune with Nature. If asked why, blame it on your near-death experience and new-found appreciation for life. Oh and by ‘commune’, I mean eat the squirrels. Trust me. Spare a friend. Avoid a stake. Eat a squirrel. You’ll thank me later.

Compel your doctor to write you a stay-home-for-at-least-a-week note. Get him/her alone (DON’T BITE HIM), look deep into his/her eyes and tell him/her what you want him to do. They’ll do it. (Yes, there are some perks to this vamp gig but that’s another chapter.) I have a feeling you will be especially apt at this vamp skill. This note will buy you some time without having to answer a lot of questions about your anti-daylight routine and to deal with the realities your new identity.

Start collecting allies ASAP. But DO NOT, under any circumstances, go to your mother! Truuuust me. We’ll discuss the good Sheriff later. Go to Elena. Yes, Elena Gilbert. She will totally understand and sympathize with your predicament. Elena will take you to Stefan Salvatore who will totally TOTALLY understand and sympathize with your predicament. See, Stefan is a vampire. Yes, a vampire; just like you but much, much older. Whew! Glad I got that off my chest. Keeping that from you for a whole season has been exhausting! Anyhoo, making vamp buddies with Stefan will lead inevitably to your running into his brother, Damon. Remember Damon? Yes, I was afraid you might, which brings us to …

Pick your battles very, very carefully. Seasoned vamps are A LOT stronger than newbies and damn near impossible for a newbie to overcome, least of all do any damage to. Especially the ones, like Damon, who regularly feed on ‘people juice’ (that’s vamp slang for human blood). Damon’s got 145 years and litres upon litres of ‘people juice’ on you and he wasn’t really your biggest fan when you were human. So, as much as he may deserve your retribution, attempting to inflict it would be completely counter-productive to your survival plan at this point. So clench your fangs and brood it out for now. Baby vamp steps, sweetie; baby vamp steps. And don’t even think about bulking out on ‘people juice’ yourself to try to come up to par. Feeding on humans in Mystic Falls is going to draw some very unwanted attention. Like your mother’s. Ergo …

DO NOT confide in your mother that you’re a vampire. Not that that would be an easy conversation under any circumstances but YOUR mom is a full-fledged Member of The Mystic Falls Vampire-Hunting Council. Yes, there’s a Vampire Hunting Council in Mystic Falls (aka The Founder’s Council). Yes, your mom is without question a member. I suggest you err on the side of caution for now and keep her unaware of your ‘condition’. I realize she loves you blah blah blah, but in this town and this show, let’s not push your luck just yet. Truthfully, keeping this from her probably won’t be that hard.

Get invited in. OMGosh, I almost forgot! As a vampire you will not physically be able to enter someone’s home, even your own, without an ‘invitation’. Someone who lives there must invite you in. Seeing as you have an uncanny talent for getting your nose in where it doesn’t belong, this should be child’s play for you.

Super-witch bestie Bonnie owes you a BIG BIG favour. Call it in. Yes, I know, Stefan and Damon are vampires, Bonnie’s a witch, it’s all rather overwhelming; but pull yourself together, girl! We’re trying to extend your character life here. We’ll have a Q & A in a later chapter of the guide. Right, so go home and pick out your very favourite piece of jewelry and take it to Bonnie. Remember that nasty sunlight issue we discussed earlier? You tell Bonnie to read Emily’s grimoire night and day till she figures out how to charm your bling into vampire daylight jewelry. Yes, it can be done. The Salvatores are day-walkers. Guess who’s responsible for that? Emily, Bonnie’s super–super-witch ancestor. Don’t ask, just run with it. I have your best interests at heart.

Well there you have it, Miss Forbes. 8 sure-fire solutions to your survival to get you started. If you need any further assistance, feel free to contact me. I would be only too happy to forward more chapters from our Beginners’ Guide.

Best of luck to you in your new life! I look forward to many seasons of Vampire Caroline to come.


Lee MacOdrum
Proud Member of the CFF and PGGV


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